...then it falls away.

Do you contemplate the existence of soulmates? Do you ponder fate? Did the little pollywog swimming in my belly choose Frank(s) and me to raise her? Did you choose your parents as a lesson for you and for them? Have you ever met someone... even if it was for a few short moments and felt a connection so immediate and so profound that you are SURE on some level that you have known that person before... somehow, in some capacity?

Universe, as I like to refer to the beautiful energy that I pray to that manifests itself/herself/himself as an entity in every organized religion, works in mysterious ways, and I'd like to share a most remarkable moment with you that I experienced two evenings ago. I may not know much, but one thing I am sure of the Power of Love. It truly knows no bounds, and it manifests itself in innumerable ways and scenarios. We all feel it... we all have felt it... we all yearn for it. And if you have truly loved, then you have truly lost, too. Like any other beautiful thing, we cannot fully understand it without experiencing its polar opposite.

And to lose Love is the undoubtedly the worst pain in existence. I am sure that you concur, no matter what the relationship: parent, child, friend, pet, lover, spouse. It hurts. Beyond description. And after the grieving process wanes, and life seems to go on... there is always a flicker, a glimmer of that love that remains in our soul, easily reignited by our senses for one sweet moment... then it falls away, no matter how much time passes.

You see a face in a crowd, you smell a scent, you hear a song, taste rain... something. That soul is there, and touches you for a moment, good, bad or indifferent. And in my humble opinion, I think those are our souls communicating above and beyond the trivialities of everyday life: arguments, sadness, jealousy, anger. They (our souls) communicate in
a realm beyond the existence we live, to remind one another that we are soulmates, there are more than one, and life is a series of lessons that we are instumental in teaching each other; we will meet again beyond all of this with a new understanding.

I'm not sure if you are familiar with the boardwalk in Asbury Park, but
I have quite an affinity for it, and as of late, many fine folk have dumped large quantities of money into the region to rekindle it, aesthetically and culturally. And it has worked! It is beautiful, and
a great place to go out and about. On Thursday evening, my dear friend Jerilyn dragged me to the beach to visit her... to join the world of the living, and treated us to a wonderful evening out with two of her friends to an AIDS/HIV/Cancer benefit in the old Howard Johnson's on the boardwalk that is now a bi-level upscale restaurant. It was a dinner cabaret and it was a BLAST! The talent was incredible, and the predominantly gay male cast, with a smattering of gay female talent (volunteers) put on
a Broadway caliber show that was vastly entertaining! It was GREAT to be out, as I have spent much of my time this summer pregnant and reclusive. I guess that is my excuse.

Historically, the cabaret would just be the beginning of a raucous evening for Jerilyn and me, and simply a "happy hour" to prepare us for a night on the town in Asbury Park. There are always killer bands playing at "The Stone Pony," or "The Wonder Bar"... right off of the boardwalk... not to mention countless other venues that are in walking distance. Alas... times have changed, and we needed to get my sleepy bulbous belly home to bed, and jerilyn home to catch some zzz's; she had an early Friday start in the real estate world.

Around 11 PM, we sauntered out to the sidewalk to say our goodbyes to her friends, and I stared across the street at "The Wonder Bar," and listened to the sound of voices, glasses clanging, and the familiar sound of music equipment being plugged in and tuned over the subtle evening ocean behind us. My left ear was listening to the three of them chat, but my right ear was lost in the moment across the street; I had spent the majority of the last decade on Friday and Saturday evenings with Joe... who is a soulmate, was a love and friendship that was indescribably painful to let go on countless levels, and who will always be in my heart.

In bars, drinking beer and whiskey, anticipating his performance, I would wait for him to perform, and would nurture his talent. Music is an extension of him, and he is most remarkable. He plays with two soulmates of his, Eric and Trevor, in a band called "Only Living Boy" and they are FANTASTIC! (They were my download of the day yesterday).

Feeling a nostalgic energy, I was about to turn to Jerilyn, Chuck and Michelle and suggest we prolonged the evening just a little bit and go across the street to check out the band that was about to play for a bit... when my right ear caught something, and I stopped. On the air, in my ears, I heard a very familiar bass sound that tugged at me, stepping out of the amp. "That's Eric playing bass," I thought I said.

"What are you mumbling?" Jerilyn exhaled her cigarette and spoke to me.

"Nothing." I half joined their conversation again, but my ear strayed again when I heard the guitar tune up. My knees shook and I started to shiver.

"Are you okay?" Michelle looked at me and touched my shoulder.

I tuned right into the familiar beauty that is Joe playing the guitar. "Holy shit Jerilyn... Joe is playing across the street."

She said "No! Impossible! What are the odds?" As she strutted across to peer in, I knew. I felt his energy in every cell. His soul was communicating with me... not the person... the soul. And regardless of the differences that drove us to part, Universe, somehow, in her divinest wisdom connected our souls for one sweet moment in a strange place that was away from what either of us knew as home.

As Jerilyn walked back toward us, saying "It IS him... I can't believe it..." I understood...something. "Do you want to go say hello... I mean should we say something?"

They began their set. I listened and stared in awe at a faint reflection of Eric playing the bass in the window, but couldn't see Joe or Trevor.
I could only hear their perfect braid of music, energy, and his voice cradled by the ocean, passing cars, and the rise and fall of other people's lives. "Let's go home." I smiled, closed my eyes, thanked Universe for the fact that he was living his dream, that I had reconnected with Franks (another soulmate), and that I could walk away knowing that we are both okay. Jerilyn and I silently listened to them fade into the salt air on our walk back to the car.

There is kindness in closure, and comfort in knowing that we ARE infinite... and not alone.

Amanda xo

Download of the Day


Perfect! Please Check Out "Black Star" and "Bulletproof" (both off of "The Bends" and both soooooo appropriate) downloads in upper right hand margin.